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Thursday, 21 July 2016

Holding The Hand Of My Inner Child


A Moment Of Rest


I have not been updating my Sun Goddess Tarot blog for a long while.  It had been almost 8 months.  I needed a moment of rest.  That moment lasted longer than I thought, and it was a period when I seemed to be in conflict with myself.
 

Reading For The Right Clients

 
I was always excited about meeting new clients, doing readings anytime and anywhere.  Yet, I grew increasingly exhausted and started making excuses for taking long breaks from readings. It reminded me of the time when I was very young and was forced to complete my homework before I could go out to play with my friends.  Some of my client appointments started to become a chore.

 
I proceeded to cut down on my list of client appointments, and was discerning about whom I wanted to read for, and what type of readings I wanted to do.   I was no longer interested in doing readings on a fly, or for clients who just wanted to have a casual read about issues that had little or no material impact on their lives.  By the same reason, I was not interested in reading at events like hen parties, birthdays and themed corporate dinners where more often than not, the questions that I got seemed so frivolous that I felt I was not adding much value to the client.   Questions that come from clients in such circumstances could border on topics like winning the next show-jumping championships or dumping a boyfriend who was not making enough money.  I remembered a question that I got at one of these events was, “Would my boss eventually leave his wife for me?”  I really had enough.  If I was not adding value to my clients, it was not exciting for me anymore.  It was very clear to me, months down the road, that if I had an intuitive gift, it was meant to serve a more meaningful purpose.    

 
Playing With The Fun People

 
I started to crave for my own space even more.  It was not about needing to be alone. It was more about needing my space to do what I wanted to do on my own terms.  I just wanted to have a little more fun with whatever time I had, with whomever I chose.   I was not anti-social.   I did enjoy social gatherings, I looked for every opportunity to have some fun, from impromptu travel, to casual dinner and drinks sessions and even organizing relaxing off-site meetings with my team so that we got a chance to bond over meals and road trips.  

 
Writing The Fun Stuff

 
It was a period when I could not write a single post for my Sun Goddess Tarot blog.  Yet, I was happily updating my personal blog with fun observations about my personal life, writing reviews  within my food blog as I ate up a storm across the nation and happily posted pictures and updates multiple times a day across my social media platforms.

 
Learning What I Wanted To Learn


It was a period when I could not pick up a book to read about any metaphysical subjects.  I used to voraciously devour every knowledge that could support my growth and development as a Tarot Reader, Numerologist and Astrologer through books and courses.  However, I could not bear to read anything complex and theoretical.  I had purchased a few books on Soul Mapping, Psychic Development and Clairvoyance but they had been sitting on the shelf gathering dust for over a year. However, I would sit for hours listening to my mentor, talking about her experiences, telling me stories about her own personal journey as she honed her intuitive skills.  I was fascinated with the blog posts of my friends from all over the world who were professional Tarot Readers, Numerologists, Astrologers, Psychics, and Mediums. They shared snippets of their experiences, their views of the world, and provided opinions about any subject that touched their hearts.  I even had a lot of fun conversations with them over Facebook or Instagram and felt that I was learning more than I could have ever picked up from any books or formal courses.

 
Playing On My Own

 
Increasingly, I wanted to take off on my own to do quirky stuff. I enjoyed taking photographs of wall reliefs and intricate carvings of roof tops at old buildings.  I would never have even noticed them in the past.  I enjoyed walking barefoot across the manicured lawn in front of the Victoria Concert Hall.   And while others would make “Snow Angels” during winter by lying in the snow, I made “Grass Angels” by lying on the grass.  In the past, I would have been worried about getting grass stains on my skirt or pick up some bacteria from the dirt that will get onto my feet.   

 
In short, this strange behavior outlined above seemed to be like that of a child crying out for help and attention.

 
Rationalizing My Internal Conflict

 
Being a rational being that was typical of my Lifepath number 7, I analyzed and explained this strange behavior by labelling it simply as grief.  I felt I was grieving for my Dad who had passed on last year and this internal conflict I was going through, was my way of manifesting grief.  Over the months, I realized that this proved to be partly true.  However, it took me a while to realize that there was something that went beyond the grief, and I set out to find out what it was.  I knew deep within my heart that this even darker cause of my internal conflict could destroy me and my efforts in serving my purpose over the long term if I did not manage it.  At the same time, I knew that if I learnt more about it, and harnessed it better, it could support my goals in the way that my higher self was guiding me to do so.

 I had discovered over the next few months that the strange behavior, and the grief I felt were actually just symptomatic of a deeper, and darker cause. 

 
Stepping Into A Journey Of Self-Discovery

 
With the first few steps taken rather uneasily, like a toddler, I began a journey of self-discovery with my mentor Alixe K.Tracey.  I started the journey as part of her course called Freedom Party which saw me releasing aspects of myself that did not serve me positively.   I went through fear, anger, tears, pain, and then release as I learnt to acknowledge these negative emotions, treated them with compassion and then let them all go.  Within the last few months, I confronted my fear of lack of control, my fear of lack of approval, and my fear of lack of security.  These fears had a debilitating impact on my relationships at home, at work and with my business.

 
 I needed to always be in control, and disliked any form of change.  When changes happened at work, I was thrown into a tailspin of defensive behavior in a bid to protect my turf.  This explained why I was so angry when my boss had decided to transfer a few staff from my team out to another department as part of an exercise to restructure the organization. I was so upset when my son went against my wishes to date a girl I did not approve of.  I was disappointed when my husband took on some projects on pro-bono basis at a time when what the family needed most was money.  These circumstances that grated on me, became a stage at which I played out my fears of lack of control, approval and security.

 
Recalibrating My Body, Mind And Spirit

 
My body, mind and spirit then went through a period of recalibration, as I dug even deeper to reconnect with my higher self. I was determined to get to the “cause” of the issue.   There were dark corners that I had to come face to face with but instead of running away like I used to do, I acknowledged it, honor it and found that the person hiding within these dark corners, was my inner child. 


 

Searching For My Inner Child

 
I searched for the first memory of my inner child when she experienced her fears of lack of control, approval and security.   I saw her as an 8 year old, seated at the dining table with her Chinese language tutor, learning how to write some Chinese words.  Suddenly, a gang of men barged into our home and declared, “We are from the Internal Security Department and we have a warrant to search your house.”  My Mom protested, telling them to wait for Dad to get home first.  A leader of that gang of men said, “Don’t worry.  Your husband is coming. He’s in the next car.”  True enough, Dad and yet another gang of men came through the door.  Dad’s face was ash-white and he seemed to have aged overnight.  I gasped suddenly when I spotted that Dad was led into the house in handcuffs and proceeded to dash across to him to want to save him.  However, one of the men pulled me roughly aside, not allowing me to be with Dad. 

 
Amidst the flurry of activities and with my Mom sobbing at the side, I learnt that my Dad was going to be detained without trial under the Internal Security Act for alternative political views that were deemed “subversive”.   Over the next few months, the situation escalated with my family being dragged through national press.  I was labelled the daughter of a “political dissident” who could be dangerous to the establishment’s nation-building efforts. This 8 year old was quoted in the press, as having said, “Daddy is so naughty”.  I would not have remembered that, let alone understood what being a political dissident was.  Mom and I visited Dad at the Detention Centre every week, communicating with him through a telephone with a glass window separating us.   Friends at school pointed fingers at me, whispering at each other.  Mom held my hand and took me to Dad’s company to meet his boss, appealing to his sense of compassion to allow Dad’s salary to continue to be paid into the bank account so that she could feed the both of us. 

 
I felt anger.  I could not do anything to help the family.  I could not save Dad.  My Dad was forcibly taken from me. My Mom had to find ways to feed us both.  I wanted to be a normal 8 year old who enjoyed school, friends and everything an 8 year old would do.  However I was judged by the perceptions of others whom did not even know my Dad, Mom and I.

 
That had sown the seed of my fears of lack of control, approval and security and I grew up always needing to be in control of everything.  I needed to get validation for everything I did.  I felt so insecure that I had to hide behind a passive-aggressive exterior, trying to be emotionally detached to everything around me.  I even despised any outward display of love and affection which I had considered a weakness.  My heart chakra was partially closed, as I struggled to love and accept love.  My throat chakra was partially closed, as I struggled to express my true feelings.

My favourite picture of Dad and I at my birthday party.  I was always the apple in my father's eye and we always had such a special bond. This picture has a lot of happy energy and was the basis of the intuitive painting which Rozanne did.


 
The Transformation

 
When I finally confronted my inner child, cowering in the dark, alone, afraid, angry and sad, Alixe and I set out to support her with a lot of prayers and meditation which helped to cleanse the chakras and release the pain she felt.   Alixe put a specialized program together to help me as I identified the real cause of all the negative emotions that were triggered by any situation no matter how big or small.   I learnt to communicate with my inner child, to find out what she needed, how I could help her, and what thoughts and emotions were coursing through her.

 
I learnt to open my heart chakra a lot more, so that I could, with compassion, acknowledgd all the fears, let them come up, understand where they had come from, and then offered them up to the divine light, to be eventually dissolved.   From time to time, my ego would grip tightly to the feelings of fear because it was, in a way, a comfort zone.  However, as I was committed to healing my inner child and listening to her with compassion, my ego never got a chance to win in this struggle.  In the end, I knew that my inner child just needed to be embraced with a little more compassion than I was prepared to offer in the past.
 

This had helped me so much that at every juncture, when I am aware a situation had triggered a feeling of fear, I went back to talk to my inner child and assured her that I would always be beside her.

A picture of me at my Kindergarten graduation.

 
Honoring My Inner Child

 
One day, I spotted a  beautiful painting posted on Facebook  by one of my friends, Rozanne Henry.  It was a painting of herself and it seemed to have exuded a sense of creative personal power reclaimed after having been through a period of healing herself.  Rozanne  is an Intuitive Artist who created paintings from intuitively channeled guidance.    I was guided immediately to commission her to do a painting of my inner child as my way of honoring the 8 year old me, and giving her a special place of her own in my home.  I shared my story with her and explained what I wanted to achieve.   Having received a photograph of Dad and I, Rozanne was able to draw upon that energy within the photograph to connect with what had happened when I was a child and she was able to communicate the messages that Dad wanted me to receive as she drew the 8 year old me.   Rozanne worked on it throughout the week, supporting that piece of artwork with lots of meditation and prayers.  Through that painting, she created a bridge between Dad and I where I could feel him put his arms around me, to cradle me with a lot of love and assurance.  I will share snippets of what my Dad’s messages were, throughout Rozanne’s work on this painting.

 
He said, “Go and be free.  Free to be happy. Release yourself.  I am here always for you no matter what. 

Trust in yourself.  You are doing well.  You are going to be free. 

Just trust. I am guiding you.   

Pray more. 

Stay close. 

Connect. 

I am so proud of you.  Be free to be yourself.  To be whom you were meant to be. 

Go and find your truth.  It will save you. 

Don’t be afraid. 

We will always support you.”

 
She was guided to draw my inner child with her legs tucked to the side as she sat on the ground, and her arms outreached as if in the act of receiving.  She was also guided to draw 3 doves flying towards my inner child.  That, was for me, an affirmation that Dad was sending me love, peace and healing.  At the same time, I saw clearly that within these gifts, he was also opening my heart and mind to my own gifts to heal others. 

 
I felt that that was Dad’s way of endorsing my taking Sun Goddess Tarot to the next level of where it ought to be, and that is to use my intuitive skills to be a healing coach for others as Alixe was with me.   No wonder, the last few months had seen me choosing my clients, reading only for those whom I thought I could genuinely add value to. Coincidentally, I have also noticed that the clients that got blown my way were highly intuitive souls, who had their respective inner child issues that created blocks along their own paths.

This is a print of Rozanne's painting of my inner child set against the automatic writing she did with the channeling. The exact painting on canvas is now sitting beside my Dad's photo on top of my piano at home.


 
Holding The Hand Of My Inner Child

 
The painting now takes pride of place on top of a piano my parents had given me when I was 3 years old.  It sits right beside a photo of my Dad.    I am very grateful I can finally move on, and genuinely feel that I have been healed and the past cords of negativity had been cut.  With the healing process over the past few months, I have become even more spiritually aware.  I became more sensitive to everything around me.  My intuition seemed sharpened to the point that I realized I was indeed reading more with my clairsentient skills.  This inner child work we did, taught me to open my heart chakra more so that I could listen with more compassion.  It taught me to open my throat chakra more so that I could fully express myself and my creativity.  It taught me to have courage to open my wounds, so that I could allow healing light to enter. 

 
I was now ready to hold the hand of my inner child and ride the stars with her, onward and upward. 



  

About The Writer:


The writer of this blog post is a marketeer by trade, and a tarot card reader by accident. She was awarded a Certified Professional Tarot Reader qualification from the Tarot Certification Board of America (TCBA) and is also a certified numerologist.  She is currently running a Tarot consultancy based in Singapore called Sun Goddess Tarot,  which provides confidential intuitive readings combining the metaphysical disciplines of Tarot, Numerology and Astrology via face to face and emails as well as readings at corporate and private events and workshops.  A member of the American Tarot Association (ATA) and the Tarot Association of the British Isles (TABI), she also mentors Tarot  protégés and actively coaches fellow intuitives who are in the midst of honing their psychic development whilst managing a full time job.

 

Website: www.sungoddesstarot.com

Email:  Joanna@sungoddesstarot.com

Facebook:  www.facebook.com/SunGoddessTarot

Twitter: www.twitter.com/SunGoddessTarot

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